Parents Zone

Toddlers having tantrums is not bad; it means they are growing up

On the journey of accompanying toddlers as they grow, I believe everyone has encountered this scene: one moment the toddler is happily playing, and the next moment they suddenly have an emotional meltdown over a small matter, crying and throwing a tantrum, sometimes even throwing things or refusing to cooperate.

Facing a toddler’s sudden emotional outburst, one might feel helpless, anxious, or even unable to resist blaming the child for being unreasonable or disobedient. But actually, we have all misunderstood: toddlers throwing tantrums is never because they have “become bad,” but because they are slowly growing up.

Tantrums are not a behavioral failure; they are toddlers’ “emotional language” they have not yet learned to speak

The toddler stage is a critical period for rapid development of self-awareness: they begin to have their own thoughts, preferences, and insistences, loudly saying “I want” or “I don’t want,” eager to make their own decisions and to be respected and understood. However, their brains are not yet fully developed, their language skills are limited, and their emotional regulation abilities are weak. When feelings of grievance, disappointment, anger, or frustration arise, they don’t know how to clearly express them with words, nor how to calmly handle them, so they can only use the most direct way—crying and throwing tantrums—to express their true inner voice.

Sometimes toddlers throw tantrums because their abilities cannot keep up with their desires. They want to dress themselves but can’t do it well, want to build blocks but they always fall down... These seemingly trivial matters to adults are huge frustrations to them. They are not deliberately acting out but are upset about their own helplessness. Sometimes toddlers throw tantrums because they long to be noticed. When their focused activity is interrupted, when they want to share but no one listens, when they feel ignored, they use the most direct way to remind those around them: please pay attention to me, please accompany me.

Parents often habitually stop tantrums immediately, lecture, or even suppress emotions with scolding and punishment, but emotions that are forcibly suppressed do not disappear; they hide inside and gradually affect the child’s personality and sense of security.

Four simple methods to help children learn to manage emotions:

1. First catch the emotion, then address the problem

When a toddler throws a tantrum, don’t rush to reason or judge right or wrong. Squat down and gently hold them, telling them: “I know you’re very sad/angry, I’m here with you.” When toddlers feel their emotions are accepted and understood, their inner unrest will gradually calm down.

2. “Naming” the emotion

Once the emotion stabilizes, guide the toddler to express their thoughts, teach them to use language to express needs, and explain what anger, disappointment, and sadness are. Gradually, toddlers will learn to recognize and express emotions, which is the most important meaning of emotional education for young children.

3. Teach children simple calming techniques

For example, deep breathing, counting from one to ten, or setting up a quiet corner at home where toddlers can calm down when angry, using small actions to replace uncontrolled outbursts.

4. More encouragement, less blame

When toddlers try to control their emotions and are willing to express themselves verbally, be sure to acknowledge and praise their effort promptly. Every small progress becomes a source of strength for the child’s growth.

Every toddler who “loves to throw tantrums” hides a heart that longs to be understood. They are not deliberately causing trouble, not being unreasonable, nor are they becoming bad; they are going through an essential part of growing up. Just like a little butterfly struggles and goes through chaos before breaking out of the cocoon, toddlers’ emotional outbursts are marks of their growth. We don’t need to cultivate a “good child” who never throws tantrums, but rather protect a toddler who dares to express their true emotions. May we all have a little more patience and a little more gentleness, embrace every emotion of our children, and accompany them as they slowly learn to manage their emotions, step by step, growing into gentle yet firm individuals.