Parents Zone

The art of discipline with both praise and power: balance of love and rules

When disciplining children, there are different challenges; under ‘praise and power’, we will show love and the importance of rules by giving clear boundaries and finding the balance of love, care and following regulations to build parent-child interactive relationships and to develop self-discipline.

Praise: love and care

‘Love’ is the connection between parent and child. The warmth of love and care can build trust and safety, let the children know they can always have family support, and make connections in the family. Parents’ empathy, caring, hugging, holding hands, and spending quality time will establish a safe and attached relationship for children.

Through family interaction, try to listen and understand their feelings and thoughts and encourage them. When children show good behaviours, praise them in words and actions to express recognition of their efforts and help build a sense of self-worth and ability. On the contrary, when they encounter setbacks, parents should be more considerate and try to understand their feelings and thoughts and give them support, for example: ”I understand you are disappointed” and “I know you are angry now,” to express and show them that they are recognised, understood and accepted on their feelings and willing to face the challenges together with them.

Power: Boundary and rules enforcement

Each parent may have different expectations of their children. Setting rules is essential for conveying respect, responsibilities, safety, and awareness; setting clear and consistent family rules allows children to distinguish between good and destructive behaviours.

Family members communicate and follow the boundaries and rules; consistency and enforcement are the most important. Under different circumstances, the rules and core values should be consistent. When the children violate the rules, there will be consequences; it is not for punishment but to develop responsibilities. Therefore, the result of not obeying the rules is reasonable for reinforcement. For example, if a child spilt some milk, they must clean the spill alone, or delaying homework may result in shortened playtime. It is more effective to let children understand there is a natural consequence rather than being punished physically or yelled at.

For enforcement, parents should be using a calm and firm attitude. Emotional blaming can only last a while and set a negative example for children. On the contrary, a calm and firm attitude conveys the seriousness of the rules and sets an example for emotional management. As parents, you are the emotional role models for your children. When a child still refuses to go to bed, you can express to the child that; ”I understand you still want to play, but now it is the bed time, you need to go to sleep.” This way, you express and understand their feelings, while also reinforcing your role as an emotional influencer.

The art of discipline: Praise and Power

Every child is unique and has their own personality and needs. It is important to remember that the discipline method should be adjusted to the child's temperament, age, and specific situation. This personalised approach helps you find the right balance of praise and power for your child. For instance, sensitive and introverted children may benefit from more considerate and supportive discipline, while outgoing and stubborn children may respond better to clear rules and boundaries.

Parents can predict what will happen based on their temperament and needs and prepare for the outcomes. For example, if you know your child will be grumpy when hungry, you can prepare some snacks; if you know your child will be tired easily, then plan a shorter trip or have breaks.

The main goal of discipline is cultivating children's intrinsic motivation and self-management; a balanced approach allows children to transition from external standard rules to intrinsic values, from parental control to self-management. Children will observe, imitate and learn from parents' behaviours. Therefore, parents need to set good examples, role models, and responsibilities; setting ideal behaviour models will help teach them values. In our daily lives, parents can explain to children the reason behind the family rules and encourage them to communicate and express their feelings and thoughts. This open line of communication fosters a sense of understanding and connection. In the art of discipline, we set boundaries in love and care; we have rules and standards but give support to focus on their efforts and strengths, not just on their mistakes.

Our goal of praise and power is not cultivating 'perfectly well-behaved' children but helping them become healthy, emotional, and self-managed individuals. Through praise and power, we provide a warm and consistent environment for children's growth and create better family time.